The art of buying exquisite jewellery from shops that sell genital-shaped salt and pepper shakers
'Where is that gorgeous ring from?', my friend asks, as the golden flecks in my Venetian ring glitter under the restaurant lights, 'was it a birthday present? It looks pretty expensive!' 'No', I answer, gazing down at the gorgeous piece, 'it was five euros from a shop that also sold genital-shaped salt and pepper shakers'.
Until now, the art of buying exquisite jewellery from European tourist shops has remained a secret. It was passed from my mother onto me and in today's post, I have the pleasure of passing this gift onto you too. So here it is, the art of buying exquisite jewellery from shops that sell genital-shaped salt and paper shakers:
The first thing you have to do is find a good and proper tourist 'tat' shop. I'm talking about those shops wedged between the finest European monuments that sell cannabis-infused Absinth, holographic condoms and enough fridge magnets to reverse the earth's polarity. From personal experience, these tat shops can be found in most European cities (although the Italian's seem to produce the best of the best) and can probably be seen from space due to their abundance of neon-strip lighting.
The second tool you need to harness in order to master the art of buying exquisite jewellery from shops that sell genital-shaped salt and pepper shakers is the vision. You must try to visualise that necklace, that bracelet, that ring - that is currently hanging between a collection of shot glasses and I-went-to-Barcelona-and-all-I-got-was-this-lousy-tshirt tshirts - with the ballgown you bought from Harrods last week. The beauty of tourist tat shop jewellery is it's uniqueness. It may be the same price as Primark jewellery, but half of Watford won't be wearing it on a shopping trip into town. Trust me, with this new mindset you'll be browsing tourist shops for hours, picking up the most beautiful pieces for bargain prices!
Finally, proceed with caution in the business of tourist tat shop buying. Firstly, many business owners are waiting to rip off innocent Britons and will quadruple the prices if you're not careful. I was browsing a market stall near Pompeii and was dismayed to find that one (admirably ambitious) entrepreneur was trying to sell me a pebble on a mouldy bit of string for twenty euros. Don't be afraid to haggle! Secondly, the shops nearest the tourist hot-spots will have the highest prices. Have a wander...explore them all...drive your boyfriend insane with your tourist-tat-shop endeavours!
So there you have it, the art of buying exquisite jewellery from shops that sell genital-shaped salt and pepper shakers. I've inserted a few pictures below from some of my favourite tat-shop finds over the years!